Journal

When life is terrifying.

March 29, 2016

I’m a month and a half away from graduating from my university. Like, what? When did this happen? Why? How? I’m not entirely sure. I still feel like an awkward middle-schooler trying to figure out how to put makeup on without accidentally getting mascara on my eyelids. No, that wasn’t a recent occurrence.

Okay, it was this morning.

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Last semester I was way too stoked to graduate. I mean, look at my face in the picture above, which was the first day of this semester. If that’s not the face of an adult who has everything figured out and ready to go, I don’t know what is (I type as I sip wine out of a straw). I had all these plans in my mind ready for action. Now I’m a goddamn month and a half away and I have no plans and absolutely no idea what I should be doing. I mean, I have plans. Kind of. I know what I want to do, but I’m not sure I’m in a place that can successfully pursue those plans without reallllly fucking up and ending up living back at my parents’ house or in a dead-end job that I didn’t want in the first place (I’d only like to be living at my parents’ house if that meant life had rewinded about 15 years because life was way more awesome back then).

I’m just not sure about anything in general.

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Don’t get me wrong. I’m really excited to not have to worry about classes, multiple exams, irrelevant papers and all of that other crap. I’m just worried that all of the things I wanted to do will fly onto the back-burner and eventually disappear into the oblivion that is “adulthood.” Adulthood can be fun, for sure, but there are also a lot of people who just lose sight of whatever it was that made them all warm and excited inside and continued onto the conveyor belt of life. Isn’t that sad? ISN’T THAT TERRIFYING???

I want to do what I have planned on doing, but I have to also be responsible (bleh, gross) and create a stable life for myself. I want to get a job that is fulfilling, fun and awesomely difficult. I’m trying for that, guys. I’m also crying about it but hey. But friendships, finances, relationships, jobs, opportunities, and the fact that a career in magazine writing journalism isn’t a clear shot are really making things very impossible to see any shape of a plan at all at this point.  GRADUATING ISN’T AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS, GUYS. DON’T DO IT. Dear university, I would like my money back please. I no longer want that diploma and all of the weight of living that comes with it. Thanks.

Okay, that’s all. I just figured I’d update you on the blinding dead-weight that has swallowed me whole…a.k.a. LIFE. (It’s not really that bad. It’s just the most horrific weird fun mess I’ve come to thus far in my life).

Until I update you again – hopefully soon – here’s a fun, poor-quality picture of me as a young child prodigy dancer.

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